Puzzle Fundraiser

I have purchased a beautiful puzzle for Owen's puzzle fundraiser. The pieces will be $5 per puzzle piece.  When it is completed I will frame it and hinge it to a box so that he will be able to open it and see who was a piece of the puzzle to bring him home.  

You can either use my Pay Pal Chip In or send me an e-mail and I can send you my address... 

Please help bring Owen home!

Anything is possible....

What life brings when we stop looking...

.... sometimes it can bring an Owen Matthew! 

I have visited and committed to a beautiful baby boy.  I will share pictures and details after our court date... right now I am just a smitten and overjoyed Mama. 

These are the fun details that I can share:

1.      Owen, which means "little warrior", was chosen by my son Connor. 

2.      Matthew, which means "Gift from God", was chosen by Elina.

3.      I allowed my children to choose their little brother's name.

4.      I chose the order of the names, because I love strong first names without nicknames.  I chose Owen to be his first name. 

5.      I keep thinking how his name completely fits him… he IS Momma’s little warrior... he IS for sure a Gift from God.  

6.      Owen is a happy, healthy, and beautiful boy. 

7.      He is chunky and as the nutritionist stated, while showing her muscles to emphasize, "I make them strong."

8.      Owen is crawling, walking holding my fingers, pulling himself up on the couch, loves banging objects together and likes how they make different sounds.  Time to baby proof the house!

9.      Everything is in his mouth constantly... and he is actively teething.  

10.  Owen only whimpered once in my presence which was when the translator (a man) picked him up.

Here is the thing… I gave up on my dream because I was so frustrated.  I put it into God’s hands… I just didn’t have the energy to keep looking for my child.  Many of you know I had committed to two beautiful boys with HIV on Reece’s Rainbow.  Within a few days of paying my large application fee to the agency and being told I would be a wonderful candidate to adopt both boys and they were in the same baby home, etc.  I was told just a day after my fees posted to my bank that I would probably only be able to adopt one boy but they would "try" for both.  I felt duped and very stuck... see application fees for one was $1,500 and for two is $3,000.  After that blow I discovered there was an internal process of waiting in line to be submitted…  only every two weeks was the agency allowed to submit two families and that  I would be submitted in position 6 or 7 which is an additional 6-8 weeks of wasted time.  Talk about disheartened and frustrated… but I trudged on.  I attempted to educate the people around me about the virus and it broke my heart that so many did not trust the research or me.  So, it felt like my life became this battlefield… and I walked on.  Well, I completed my paperwork and sent it in with my check for the next round of fees for BOTH boys in late January only to find out that while in transit to the agency the boy’s region “interrupted”; therefore, travel and court dates would not be issued until the treaty was ratified.  It was speculated to be a month to 6 weeks, but that turned into “possibly May”, and a conversation that said, “We don’t know, maybe not until September.”  I began calculating probabilities.  When would they be home?  Could I swing adoption fees if I didn’t complete the adoption before the end of the year when the Adoption Tax Credit expires? Then there is the vision of the child(ren) that I felt would best suit my family… the boys were 24 months and 21 months when I committed.  Today they are 34 months and 31 months.  So even if I were invited to travel today… they would not be home until long after they both turn  3, maybe even closer to 4 because of how backlogged the region will be.  The question then became how long could I wait.  I said I would give it 5-6 months to reopen. The battle drum beat wore on and wore me out…   During the wait, I felt HIV had become their scarlet letter.  HIV is NOT contagious, that is unless you are completely irresponsible with bodily fluids!  I will be haunted by Danny’s eyes forever… those sad blue eyes and that puffy bottom lip. I will forever think of sweet Valery’s rosebud mouth and chubby cheeks. Giving up was the hardest decision I have ever made.  If you know me, you know that is true… I am stubborn and determined, but I have my reasons for letting go and I believe them to be in their best interests. It hurt and it continues to hurt even after seeing sweet Owen’s face.

Once I decided I would let go, I felt I was grieving their loss and though I had spoke with the agency coordinator about their other regions, I was not ready to jump into another region with the same agency… I told them I needed time.  The next day they offered me a beautiful baby girl in one of their other regions.  To me, she appeared to be a SN child due to psychological issues of the birthmother… because heredity is a huge factor for the diagnosis.  I asked what the special needs fees were and was promptly told this was a “healthy child”.  I stewed on it for a few days and then addressed it and vented my frustrations (mind you this was while I was away from home for work and I was missing Elina and Connor not a good combination).  I was then offered another child… this time a little boy with a hole in his heart that would more than likely need surgery once home.  Again, I asked what the SN fees would be and I was told he was “healthy.”  I was frustrated, aggravated and still grieving the loss of the boys… but to continue being offered referrals of children that on the outside looked beautiful and healthy but were not on the inside, and the agency knew I was hoping for a child with minor correctable SN and the SN fees planning… I have still not addressed this with the agency. 

So, because of my frustrations, I began to give up on my dream of a R*ssia adoption and began to rethink Bulgaria.  Recently I began volunteering to advocate for and to update SN children for Elina’s adoption agency so was familiar with the children with SN.  I fell in love with Bulgaria during Elina’s adoption, but to be honest I felt that the wait would be longer than I could afford because of the tax credit and it would create a gap much larger than I would want between Connor and the child, plus I knew I wanted to enjoy the baby/toddler stage again.  So I kept looking at R*ssia, domestic adoption, adoption of a child thru foster care, I kept opening doors… I decided to consider domestic adoption and actually was quickly chosen by a birth-mom in Alabama.  I felt great, the birth-mom seemed a perfect fit but  after a few weeks of attempting to get a firm fee schedule and nailing things down…  I felt that something wasn’t quite right. I really began to dig and research the facilitator, her reputation was 50/50, people either sang praises or hated her vehemently… it is the later I began to get concerned with… and then I began to witness the behavior traits that people were describing to me.  Constantly pushing about money, rude, greedy…  Honestly, I feared her upfront payment.  So BAM, she decided that she didn’t want to work with me because I had asked her if I could do a payment plan from June-September… so there I was again blowing in the wind…

I was so upset, so I looked began to think about foster to adopt because there are very few costs associated.  However, the baggage that some/most kids carry is phenomenal… for them it isn’t just being an orphan… it is not just about getting enough food, it is severe abuse, neglect, etc… they come with anger, most times traumatized, hurting… I struggled with the decision, but I began inquiring in June about children… from here to Texas to Oregon and Ohio.  I looked for one or two children under the age of 5.  Mind you there is not a central database…  there is no easy way to FIND available children.  Then you send e-mails and wait… and wait… and hope that someone will read it… and even let you know if they considered you.  The shocking thing is that the US adoption system is so hard to find children (I will address in a post later).  After 30 inquiries and very few call backs, I was discouraged…. I emailed my homestudy agency to update them on where I was at with things.  That a social worker or two or three would be contacting them based on my inquiries. 

In mid/late June there was a sibling set in Michigan I found thru MARE and inquired on.  I thought they could be a wonderful fit… she was 6 and he was 4… no baby stage but they were younger and healthy which is so difficult to find in the US.  So a few days after inquiring I let L* (the director of my Homestudy agency) know about the inquiry.  L*’s agency also has a R*ssian program and before finding the boys I had intended to use her agency for my adoption, but then fell in love with the boys and the rest is the history described above.  So I let her know about the inquiry and that she would hopefully be hearing from social workers.  In the meantime I planted a seed that I was open to children with SN and if there was a special child with or without special needs to let me know.

Later L* called me and asked if I would be interested in a baby boy…. He was healthy but it would be blind travel.  Blind travel means no pictures, no medical…  just stand on a ledge and jump… and trust your agency and their team.  I decided it was now or never… that if I did not jump… that I was done.  So I jumped off the ledge on June 29^th and I met the most amazing and wonderful little boy.  I cannot wait to share pictures.  I cannot and will not share until I have picked him up out of his orphanage and he is fully and legally mine.

I am working hard to bring together the funds to bring Owen home.  Because Mr. Owen is not a Special Needs what I estimated to complete this adoption is a little short.  I am working on a puzzle fundraiser and  I will continue it in order to bring Owen home!  Won’t you be a piece of the puzzle?

BTW, I will be having a garage sale and organizing a few more fundraisers… so stay tuned. 

Feeling held... Thanks Cindy!

Thursday, April 05, 2012

Being Held and Holding

I thought that I might not post this week, and take a break for Holy Week, but it seems I need to.  Sometimes I don't really know why, but events happen, and I feel a nudge, so here I am writing when I should be sleeping.

The past couple of weeks has been a period where adoption has re-entered my life in unexpected ways. I've had late night phone calls, emails, and visits with folks who adoption has touched. As time has passed and we move further down the road from our last and final adoption, we have begun to move towards other things.  11 years spent deeply entrenched in the international adoption community, getting fingerprinted and background checked and scrutinized, yearning for a child...waiting for a child...traveling for a child...then building a relationship with a child...well, it is been a pretty exhausting decade and I am ready to shift the focus to the middle and high school years.

I am discovering though, that it may never truly be something we can leave behind.

There are a couple of amazing women who I have been in prayer for, and talking to over the past couple of weeks.  One is adopting a 14 year old boy from Russia, and her circumstances are so similar to ours with the girls.  How I know just what a challenge this is and will be for her! How deeply I respect her commitment, her faith, her wisdom...and her willingness to enter this with her heart open, and her mind sharp.  She is not denying how difficult it will be, she is just willing to do it in spite of it.  That's courage.

Another mom is extraordinary by any standards, she is a Rock Star who is enduring criticism for how they are building their family and how God has decided to time the placement of children in their family.  No matter how thick skinned we try to become, the loneliness of knowing you are being mocked or called plain old "nuts" hurts, and leaves you with very few places to turn.  Friends prove that they may not really be the friends you thought they were, support systems can collapse as others question your judgment, and there are moments when it is really, really hard and you know an unspoken "I told you so..." is just on the tip of someone's tongue.

It seems there is always some comment thrown out that stings, usually from someone with little experience and even less compassion.  Things are said that would most likely never be said to a pregnant mommy.  Comments are thoughtlessly flung:

1)  Why would you want to adopt a kid so old?  Aren't they all totally messed up?
2)  Don't you think you already have your hands full enough?  Why do you need another one?
3)  I could never love a child that wasn't "mine", there are too many things you don't know.
4)  How can you adopt a kid who doesn't look like you?
5)  Was he thrown in the trash?
6)  Why do you all think you have to go overseas when there are plenty of kids here who need homes.
7)  I'd never spend that much money to get a kid.
8)  He'll come home and totally mess up your life, you are making a big mistake.
9)  You'll find yourself in the poor house!
10) Aren't you afraid they'll never really love you?

That's just the tip of the iceberg.  I have been subjected to much worse over the years, and I am sure so have my friends mentioned above.

But then, thankfully, there are those who God sends, the ones who offer a hand, a shoulder, a place to commiserate and practice snappy retorts that you know you'll never use in real life but sure feel good to try out.  My dear friend Jill has been one of those who allows me to fling the obnoxious "I wish I had thought of that then" comment way after the fact.  There are those who we have met in "real life" and others who are virtual companions on the journey. We have Mentor Mommies and real life true blue friends, and they save us.

While we have certainly had our share of naysayers over the course of the past 11 years, we have been "Love Bombed" over and over again in profoundly moving ways.  When I have felt the most vulnerable, there has always been someone there to gently hold me, either virtually or in the flesh.  I shake my head in humble gratitude for those who have supported our every move, and showed it in numerous ways.  Why have we been bathed in so much goodness and love?  I have no idea, none at all.  We are not remarkable, we are not special, in fact we are pretty darned bland and boring by others' standards!  Yet repeatedly, God reaches out through these very, very special folks that weave through our lives.

The world sees the plight of the abandoned child, it is filled with compassion for the heart of the birth mother, but rarely does the world ache for the plight of the adoptive parents who are seen as somehow less important, less in need of support, less a victim.  Believe me, while I am not one who buys into victim-ology, there are times when adoptive parents' souls are completely, utterly broken as they are victim of systems that ignore them, hurt children who understandably lash out, and friends who abandon them.

We adoptive parents are the ones who pick up the pieces for our children and try to Krazy Glue it all back together.  We bear the brunt of the anger and pain of our children.  We suffer from being considered somewhat irrelevant by the world as we foster, love, and cry out for our children...some of whom may never carry our name, but will always cradle our heart in their tiny hands.  We sometimes travel thousands of miles, both literally and figuratively, only to be brushed aside by governments, social workers...and yes, even the wounded child we so desperately want to offer hope to.

As the past couple of days we see Josh suddenly collapsing into insecurity once again as he obsesses over losing our dog, Sunny, and as he experiences mini-meltdowns we are reminded of the ongoing need to be held...and to be the ones holding.  As Kenny struggles continually just to spell simple words like "fraction" and "world" as he did today, or spends 2 hours preparing to be liturgist at church just so he can enunciate clearly or even remember how to read those words that just don't want to "stick", we realize our need to be held...and to hold.  As Angela asked me last week "Mama, do you think my birth mom ever even thinks about me at all?", I am reminded of our need to be held, and to hold.  The healing continues, and sometimes it is damn hard.

But, thankfully, someone always does come along to hold, someone always does come along to extend love in surprising ways that cause tears to spring forth.  This week God reminded us that though it is hard, we are not alone...we were held anonymously and concretely, and it renewed hope on multiple levels.

I try to hold others virtually, and with one of the moms mentioned above I will be able to hold...and laugh...and maybe even cry...in real life next week when I travel to Memphis for work at a homeschool show and God places us in close enough proximity to meet in person at just the right time.  There, for one evening, at least one adoptive mom will not be alone with her concerns and  fears.  She will be be able to be honest and not feel judged, she will be able to feel companionship with someone who has walked her path and made it through, she will hopefully be encouraged and her heart will be considered for just one night.

And someday, no doubt, she'll be the one "holding" someone else.

Thank you, God, for every single person who has helped us along the way, in both big and small ways.  Thank you for the long conversations hashing over the same old concerns, thank you for the encouragement, thank you for the breaks and babysitting, thank you for the financial help without which we wouldn't even have our daughters and would not be able to meet some important needs, thank you for the softened hearts of neighbors who at first voiced how nuts we were and yet even this week had a little Easter surprise for the kids.  Thank you, God, for the moms along the way who helped me feel less alone, who prayed for us, who continue to care.  Thank you for the most extraordinary church family who have helped with everything from magazines to lessons to emailed suggestions to a hand on my shoulder when they didn't even know I needed it.  Thank you for allowing me once in awhile to be the one doing the holding, for the opportunity to occasionally be there for others...for it is far too little in return for what we have received.

And as Dominick and I watched the kids playing on the swings at the park this evening as darkness began to descend, we heard their laughter and spoke quietly of just how wonderful...how amazing...how beautiful each is to us.  Not a single day goes by, and this is not hyperbole, when we don't marvel at all we have been given, and how very, very blessed we are to parent these specific five children.  Sure, it may be in between the exasperation and frustration, but the gratitude remains.

When it gets hard, its still the best.
When it hurts, its still the best.
When I'm stumped, its still the best.
When I feel alone, its still the best.

May every adoptive mom and dad out there have their needs met, may they be held when they hurt, may they find a place where they can be honest and not judged.  And as many parents who have waited a very long time for their children to come home finally have hope, may their dreams finally come true.

171H Approved

My 171H arrived.... we are now officially APPROVED by USCIS and Dossier is COMPLETE!!

Now lets get the show on the road... I guess in the meantime it is time to kick it into gear and work on a few grant applications and some fundraising efforts!

Coffee Time

Not sure about you guys... but I love coffee... and I found this fundraising site look to the side of the blog and there is a"Just Love Coffee" blog button.  Click on it and check it out!  Part of the proceeds will go towards funding! Give it a rating so I can tell others which flavors rock!

Thanks!!

Joy...

I attend two churches, long story short... I felt chased away from my Catholic faith by an insolent priest who was very rude. He came into our parish and cleaned house... I had been part of the parish over 20 years and it was in the wake of 9-11 and I traveled so much for work it became easier to walk away than to deal with the upheaval.  I then met and married my ex-husband in a non-Catholic service, though my heart tugged and said, "This isn't who you are."  But I digress, I continued throughout my marriage to convince my ex-husband to join a church and to find our rock of faith.  After my divorce, my mom had joined a non-Denominational church called Southpoint and asked that I attend with her.  I attended one Sunday and it was as if the Pastor was talking to me directly.  He spoke of marriage and divorce, and it felt like it was directly speaking to me...  I left feeling angry.  I felt the lava boiling over.... going to service was supposed to me feel better, right? It brought so many feelings to the surface, It was months before I went back.  But when I was drawn back it was different, I can't remember when or why I went back... but I began attending and feeling the words.  The message is relevant and non-traditional, but it just makes sense. 

This school year I elected to enroll my kids in a private Catholic school (I attended Catholic School 1st-7th grade)... My adopted daughter Elina was trying to wrap her mind around God, who He is, and how He is part of her life.  My Catholic faith was renewed and I began also attending St. John's for mass, too. We go back and forth between the two churches....  I have been trying to attend mass as well as services, and we as a family have grown together in faith.  We are making sense of the traditional message with newer more relevant explanations. 

Last night my children asked to attend services at Southpoint.  I do enjoy the words of the pastor; however, I had been feeling that I attended Southpoint because my mom did.  I was brought back from that feeling last night as I listened to the pastor's message of Joy.  I think this is what I have been trying to explain to the people who are not in agreement with my adoption plans.  It was about Joy, the children's ministry also discussed Joy... Elina walked out and said, "Mom, I have Joy in my heart because God is in my heart." She is so smart for such a little girl.  We talked about how that Joy is not about what you are waiting for to happen... that you cannot make happiness by buying things, or completing a task, "I will be happy when I have finished my degree, bought the house I dreamed of, when I find the right spouse, have a child...  you have Joy in your heart when you stop trying to find something or someone to fill it and fill it with God and do His work." Now, do I think every family should do God's work by adopting a child... yes and no, I think some families are meant to do His work by adopting and others by helping families prepared to parent adoptive children... it is not an easy task to bring a child that is hurting from an institutional life into a family.  


For those first time adoptive families, nobody will understand your journey unless they have lived it and don't expect them to.  They will see a shiny happy child, and not the mourning grieving child who is afraid to need you and worries of going back.  But eventually that fear and worry is replaced by Joy as you are able to open the child up to faith, this is why God calls families to adopt to give children not only a family but to give them Joy.  Look at any child's before and after pictures and you will see the Joy that has been instilled by the hope that is delivered to their hearts.  

“I will not leave you as orphans; I am coming to you; because I live, you also will live;” John 14:18-19

Life is Good...

Life is Good... my daughter's teacher says this all the time.  I look to her with admiration... because this woman went thru great loss just over a year ago... she lost her adult daughter to cancer.  Life is precious... there is no promise of forever, so Life is Good... no matter good days or bad.  Sometimes when things are looking like there is a storm overhead and thunderclouds ahead there is a break in the sky and light shines down... and you realize Life is Good.

Today... Life is Good.

Psych...

Done... now wait for the report and hope it is completed quickly!  I had to giggle today when she stopped by the room where I was completing the psychological testing and quizzically looked at my reading material.  See she expected me to still be working on the test because it has about 600 questions.  Her jaw dropped when i told her I had been done with it for 10 minutes but didn't want to interrupt her (she was working with a child during my testing).  She said she rarely sees anyone finish it in under an hour and a half.  I began the test at 10:05 and finished at 10:50.  She had to look for herself because she thought I was kidding, seriously her jaw dropped.  Giggle...

She seemed pretty pleased with my plan of action for the boys and I left feeling pretty good.

Hopefully, everything will come together  and the stars will align and this registration will be out of my hands next week

In the meantime...

...what do you talk about when there is nothing to tell everyone about?  Except that tomorrow is the psych evaluation and then next week I will have the Homestudy and it will be sent off to do the bouncing back and forth to ensure it has everything that the country needs.  So, I am waiting... there are many times in this process that I will be waiting and i think that is why I was a very bad blogger during Elle's adoption...   there was SO much waiting, it took a year of homestudy delay that lead to the summer break delay, then re-writing the laws delay...  the homestudy being delayed caused  at least an additional 4 months of waiting to bring Elina home ... I just didn't have news.  So, we are going to do some posts about what we are doing in the meantime, because we are hoping there are not big delays and can bring the boys home quickly.

In the meantime.... I have put extra efforts into counseling to ensure that my children at home are in a good place psychologically to add children to our family.  With having a bio and an adoptive child I often wonder how things affect them psychologically.  Yes I am one of THOSE...  if I raise my voice or am harsh, I wonder if I have scarred them for life... I know I know... The counselor assured me that both are good with the addition, but  that she felt the negativity from a few people are really making them angry and frustrated.  I wouldn't have believed it until that I saw it... I sensed their attitude change but was trying to keep the negativity away from them.  THe kids displayed anger and then it was replaced by joy... my little guy has been building up anger and was able to hurdle that anger and told the counselor that he really wants to be a big brother... amazing!  Now, my complex little puzzle of a girl... she wants to please everyone and she fears people leaving her life.  She has already suffered so much rejection in her short life... She overheard a conversation, saw the pain in my eyes, heck she walked in as I got off the phone and I was crying in my own hurt and frustrations... she knows there is turmoil... and she realizes there could be rejection.  She just wants to make everyone happy.  If I could only share all the moments when she looked at me with contentment (before the news broke) and told me how happy she was that I decided to save these boys just like I saved her. She had some hero worship going on...  I am hoping and praying that everybody will rejoice when the boys come home and that their coming home does not make people choose to not be part of our family or friends. So in the meantime we are doing alot of praying for everyone's acceptance!

In the meantime... we are dealing with too many colds and even a round of the flu... in September Elina was sick for a day, then she gave it to Connor... was only a few days after that in October and I had a horrible case of the flu.  The kids were touched by it a bit... it took an entire month for me to stop coughing.  Connor was nabbed by by the bug again in December and now again today.... he is coughing up a storm, he hasn't had anything terribly bad yet, a fever in December but this time there is only a cough.  Poor little guy just coughs and coughs. I have tried a couple of options and waiting to see if the Kids Mucinex works.  I hope it passes quickly...

It hasn't all been downers... we have been having a great times too!!  We had a wonderful Christmas and New Years and have been coloring, playing checkers, doing puzzles, Elina is learning to play the piano, playing Wii and we are just enjoying being together... this past weekend we even went for a long bike ride  and played at the park because the weather was so nice.