Court Court Court....

Please say prayers tonight...  I am waiting to confirm Owen's court date.   

Let's get my baby boy HOME!!!!  

Neat article... to search or not to search...

Birthparents: 10 Questions to Ask Before You Search Realistic Expectations August 01,2012 / Hollee McGinnis

For adult adoptees, our adoptions did not end the day we were placed in the waiting arms of our adoptive parents. It was only the beginning of our lifelong journey of self-discovery and the very beginning of our adoption journey. Our adoption journeys have not always been clear, nor have they been simple. But today adoptees have an unprecedented opportunity to share the wisdom gained from our journeys.    The decision to search for one's birth parents is one of many milestones in our adoptions. Although we might try to create a road map based on another person’s search, the reality is when you were adopted, the age you were adopted or abandoned, what orphanage you were first placed at, what agency you were processed through, and the circumstances that led up to your relinquishment all affect your search and, ultimately, the outcome. Every search and reunion is unique. I offer ten "moment of truth" questions gathered from listening to other people who have searched and reunited with their birth families. The first five questions relate to searches, and the last five questions relate to reunions. These questions are useful not only for those who want to search, but for any adoptee engaged in understanding their adoption. What are you searching for?  Research on Korean adoptees who search for their biological parents indicate that all adoptees gradually become interested in different kinds of searches. Motivated by our interest in learning more about our roots, our first search is typically for our birth culture. Lastly, after possibly visiting our birth country, we may consider the possibility of searching for and reuniting with birth parents. Often a search is about the journey of searching and not the actual reunion. So it is important to understand what it is you seek. I did not search for my birth family, they sought me. I was adopted at age 3 from Korea. When I was 13 my adoptive parents received a letter from my paternal grandfather asking for pictures of me. My family was divided on whether they should show me the letter or wait until I was older. After speaking with an adult adoptee who recommended they wait until I was older, my parents showed me the letter when I was 20. It was October break from college, and I sat at the dinner table. My dad said, "Hollee, there is something I need to talk to you about." My mind raced as I tried to think of anything I had done wrong. I was unprepared for what they had to tell me. My mother was afraid I would be angry because they waited to show me the letter. I was simply overwhelmed. I peered at the grainy photo of my paternal grandfather and grandmother. It was like looking at a National Geographic photo. They were strangers. And yet they were connected to me by blood. I believe I would never had searched for my birth family if they had not searched for me first. I was content with my life and the only family I knew. Until I received that letter, I never thought about Korea. At age 20 I was not ready to meet my birth family. When I received this letter, I suddenly felt like I had to go to Korea, but I knew nothing of its culture or language. It would take four more years exploring my American, Korean and adopted culture before I would be ready to travel to Korea and meet them. Why do you want to search? Some adoptees are simply curious or feel a need to find more about their identity, while others are motivated by a need to feel complete. Others want medical information. Many want to find their birth family to simply let them know that they are okay. I think it is vital that you understand your motivations and why you want to meet your birth family before beginning a search. After receiving the letter from my paternal grandfather, I felt I had to meet them. I did not know why I wanted to meet them except for the fact they had contacted me. It was not until I was 24 that I understood my motivation for meeting my birth family: I wanted them know I was all right. In the chaos of returning to Korea, meeting my birth family and learning more about my past, I was able to hang onto this one truth. What are your expectations?  I think all adoptees create a fantasy about our birth parents whether we are conscious of it or not. As a child I would bounce between two extremes. On the one hand I thought I must be a princess and my birth parents were royalty. My older sister would tease me and say, "Yeah you always were a princess: spoiled!" On the other hand I thought maybe my birth mom was a prostitute. I wondered, what if they did give me up because they did not want me? I simply did not know. What are your expectations, and what are your fantasies? Do you imagine that when you meet your birth family you will automatically connect, that you will find those real parents that you have been always been searching for? Are you willing to give up your expectations and childhood fantasies? Many adoptees have told me that after meeting their birth family, they realized their “real” parents were the ones who adopted them.  Are you ready to confront your adoption? When I went to Korea for the first time, I was forced to confront my own adoption. No longer could I pretend that I was not adopted. One of the reasons I delayed going to Korea was my fear of how my adoptive parents would feel. I feared that if I met my birth family, the only parents I knew might feel I did not love them. I did not want my reunion with my birth family to negate the years of nurture given to me by my adoptive parents. On the night before I left for Korea, I sat with my parents on our back patio, my fears locked in my heart. Then my Dad dispelled my worries by saying, "We always knew we had family in Korea." They accepted my Korean family as they had accepted me 21 years ago. They felt no competition for my love. Are you ready to confront the knowledge about your past? For many adoptees the years prior to our adoption are masked in mystery that we fill with our fantasies. I was not born a princess. My birth mother was a prostitute. She was also orphaned when she was nine years old, lived with an aunt until she was twelve, and survived by sheer will on the streets. She loved my birth father who took her away from the brothel. They gave birth to me, and he promised to marry her but never did because Korean law forbade couples with the same last name to marry. I had to struggle with how this information fit into my life and defined who I was. Are you ready not to be in control?  I think those who have embarked on a search can attest to the roller coaster ride of emotions. You will not be in control. Currently there is no simple way of finding birth parents. Many agencies are not required by law to give adoptees information about their birth. There are ethical issues about birth parents' rights to confidentiality, which adoptees must respect. You may initiate the search, but most people find their birth parents through sheer luck and the kindness of strangers, not through careful planning. Once I arrived in the Seoul, I was definitely not in control. I could barely ask for a glass of water. I had to rely on strangers and new friends to help me navigate the foreign culture. When I spoke with the director of my orphanage, I knew that I would be meeting my birth father. When I called two days before our appointed meeting, he suddenly informed me that he also had found my birth mother. I had hardly even thought about the possibility of meeting her. I was shocked as I confirmed that I would meet her as well. Are you prepared to meet strangers?  I do not like to use the word "reunion" because for me, meeting my birth family was not a reunion. I did not remember them. It was a "getting-to-know-you." People ask, "So, how was it? What was it like to meet your birth parents" Sometimes it is good; sometimes it is bad. Sometimes it is very, very bad. Some adoptees searched for years to find out that their birth parents do not want to meet them. Others realize that they are still the family secret. Even adoptees who remember their birth families realize how much they have changed since they were last with their birth families. I will never forget waiting for my birth father to arrive. First my paternal grandmother walked in the door, a short and stocky woman. She gave me a crushing hug while she sobbed and spoke to me in words I could not understand. But I did not feel anything. I saw her and felt her arms around me, but my mind could barely comprehend that she was a real person, not a grainy photograph. Then my birth father walked in, and I suddenly felt shy and could not look at his face. I wanted to look, but it was like confronting my own face. When the director of my orphanage told me that my grandmother wanted me to stay with them that night, my first reaction was, "I'm not going to go with those strangers!" And as I walked out into the coolness of the night and into my birth father's car, I smiled as I remembered my mom warning me as a child about getting into cars with strangers. Are you ready to meet extended family and possibly integrate new members into your family?  As I stood on the subway traveling from Seoul to Inchon where I was meeting my birth father, I broke down and started to sob. My friend Trilika, a mixed black and Korean adoptee, looked at me and said, "Hollee, you are making more room." And I realized that was what I had to do. When you meet your birth family, you are taking on more, not less. You open yourself up to a family that you may not remember and yet is yours by birth. You must decide how much of your life you want to share with them. I was prepared to meet my birth father, but when I met my grandmother I realized I had not thought about meeting her. Then my birth father mentioned I would be meeting my half sister and brother. He had married a woman who had since passed away. In addition, my birth mother had three children. Suddenly I had five half sisters and brothers I had never known before in addition to uncles and aunts and cousins. Will you be able to respect your birth parents and their culture? It was easier for me to relate to my birth father's family. They were a solid middle-class family. My half sister was going to college, and my half brother would follow. However, my birth mother was very poor. Her three children barely finished high school, and she continued to work long hours in a factory. Her home was a simple two-room shack with a tin roof and outhouse. During my second visit to Korea, I took my birth mother out to dinner. I told my boyfriend, who was Korean-American, that I wanted to give her some money. He looked at me and said, "You can't!" I did not understand. She was poor, and I had a good income. He could not explain why but was adamant that I should not give her money. I thought he was being crazy. We went to a kalbi, or barbecue restaurant, which is an expensive meal in Korea. My birth mother could barely look at me. She said, "What kind of mother am I who gets taken out by her own children?" She was so distraught that she could not pay. Before us was a wonderful meal and all she ate was a bowl of rice with water. Then I understood. I had to respect her dignity and her culture. I had to respect that she was my birth mother, even though I had no memory of her. And I understood why I could not give her money. Parents give to their children, and even though I was an adult, to her I was still her little daughter. As we departed I allowed her to press a few Korean won into my hands. Have you thought about life after the reunion? Often the focus on a search is on the quest, but the true journey begins after you meet your birth family and are left with the question, "Now what?" Are you going to continue this relationship? Or are you satisfied with the reunion and do not wish to have further contact? If your birth parents are poor, do you feel an obligation to help them? Will you try to travel to Korea once a year? Will you send gifts for the holidays and remember birthdays? You have traded in your fantasies, your dreams and imaginations for reality, and after the reunion you will not be able to simply tuck these people back into the furthest corners of your mind. You have seen their faces; you know who they are; you have seen their lives. Meeting your birth family may answer some questions but raise far more questions. The search is only the beginning of the journey. Life after the reunion will be a far longer road. Is this YOUR choice? As adoptees we did not get to choose our adoptions. We did not choose to be relinquished. We did not choose to be adopted. The decision to search is one of the few things adoptees get to choose. It is a part of our adoption life journey; it is not our adoptive parents’ journey. There is a right time for everybody. It is a very individual thing. I would recommend you listen to your gut, your heart and have a clear mind. Do not listen to others who are enthusiastic about your search or reunion. Make sure the enthusiasm is yours. Do not feel pressured by your birth family or adoptive family to search or reunite until you are ready. Make sure that the choice is yours. Although I could never tell anyone when the right time is to begin a search, I would recommend that the person at least have the maturity to be able to clearly answer these ten questions. Originally printed in Holt International's Hi Families Magazine March/April 2000

Catching up...

To my family and friends my apologies for being so busy this summer.  The kids finished school early June and we frantically prepared for the best event June has ever seen... what you may ask would this event be...  well let me tell you about it.  It is over 100 of our friends from Ohio, Indiana, Michigan, Illinois, Maryland, Iowa, New York, Pennsylvania, Kentucky, Tennessee, North Carolina, Nebraska, Wisconsin, Missouri, and Georgia... it was the result of thousands of planning e-mail between my wonderful friend Viviane and myself.  You may still be puzzling over what the heck I am talking about...  it is a celebration of three colors Red, White and...... GREEN!  We were celebrating our little and big BULGARIANS!  We ate banitsa and shopska, we ate ice cream, we laughed, we danced, we learned cryllic lettering, we played games, we rode bikes, we drew on the road with chaulk, we ran thru the splash park, we made friends, some of our children grieved, some of us cried, some of us had aching hearts, some of us stood back and saw the growth in our children since one year ago, each of us contributed, some celebrated finally meeting their online support group.... each of you my dear friends are imprinted on my heart!   I enjoyed meeting all of your children!  I missed the families who were not able to join us this year... Wendy, Sue, Valerie, Susan, Terry, Stephanie... I still can't wait to meet you Renae, Jennifer M., Kim, Kristin, Noreen... This is such a special group of people to my family.    (If I missed you it wasn't intentional... I am just a mama with a little bit going on... LOL)

A little picture parade... 

Elina's sparkled all weekend with her Bulgarian friends, she has especially liked that we found a way to protect her prosthetics so she can run and play in the water like the rest of the kids! 

 Connor made a new buddy Tobin, Tobin recently sent Connor a letter and we are going to write Tobin back this weekend... Connor can't wait to go back next year and see if the fort they built is still standing! 

 We danced the Horo

Writing in Bulgarian and Learning the Cryllic Alphabet

Our little Bulgarians

Our Children (far out numbered the adults)

Our Crazy Kiddos!

Our littles played with Play Doh and Chaulk so fun to see so many little ones home now!

 Connor and his buddy Aidan both look tired from a long day of play as they check out their lunch!

Feeding the Troops

 Small group photo on Sunday before the last families departed.. 

Planning is underway for 2013 for the next Bulgarian Adoptive Families Reunion!  

Be A Voice

http://beavoice.me/shop

I am so excited to kick off our Be A Voice fundraiser.   There are several pieces of jewelry that are adoption and children related... my favorite is this bracelet it is listed for $20.  For that $20 Owen will earn $15 for his adoption fund! Other items that are $14.99 will earn my little Owen $10.  Please use the code word "Yvonne" when placing an order so that Tammy will know to place your order into Owen's fund.  Thanks so much for checking it out!!

Tammy has developed Be A Voice as a way to assist families to raise funds toward their adoptions or to raise funds for projects that benefit orphans. Please visit the site and read about her family. She is such a precious soul and a beautiful person.  Thank you Tammy for selecting my family to conduct a fundraiser!  

Potential Court Trip...

Tentatively I am looking at a court date the last week of August.  This is awesome!  The friends that I met while in country will be going back for an August 14th date!  How exciting!  I am so happy for them, but I have to admit it is a bit disappointing that we won't get to travel together.  We talked a few times during Trip 1 how great it would be to have the same dates for Trips 2 and 3 (more so for Trip 3 which is another long week with lots of waiting).  These two special people will definitely be "life friends"… I mean you can't share the world's best tiramisu while the sun is setting at 1130 pm, sharing all of your hopes and dreams for your future child, the sadness of departing, on your last night in country, and not be lifers, right? 

As for the timing of my Trip 2 which will lead to my Trip 3 30 days later… it honestly is probably the best timing.  The kids will be starting Kindergarten and Second Grade the first week of September.  I will be there for their first days of school before making the Trip 3 to pick Owen up toward the end of September.  I think this will also be a great time for Owen to transition as it isn’t too close to the holidays and he will get special one on one time with mommy.  Life is awesome crazy good!

Puzzle Fundraiser

I have purchased a beautiful puzzle for Owen's puzzle fundraiser. The pieces will be $5 per puzzle piece.  When it is completed I will frame it and hinge it to a box so that he will be able to open it and see who was a piece of the puzzle to bring him home.  

You can either use my Pay Pal Chip In or send me an e-mail and I can send you my address... 

Please help bring Owen home!

Anything is possible....

What life brings when we stop looking...

.... sometimes it can bring an Owen Matthew! 

I have visited and committed to a beautiful baby boy.  I will share pictures and details after our court date... right now I am just a smitten and overjoyed Mama. 

These are the fun details that I can share:

1.      Owen, which means "little warrior", was chosen by my son Connor. 

2.      Matthew, which means "Gift from God", was chosen by Elina.

3.      I allowed my children to choose their little brother's name.

4.      I chose the order of the names, because I love strong first names without nicknames.  I chose Owen to be his first name. 

5.      I keep thinking how his name completely fits him… he IS Momma’s little warrior... he IS for sure a Gift from God.  

6.      Owen is a happy, healthy, and beautiful boy. 

7.      He is chunky and as the nutritionist stated, while showing her muscles to emphasize, "I make them strong."

8.      Owen is crawling, walking holding my fingers, pulling himself up on the couch, loves banging objects together and likes how they make different sounds.  Time to baby proof the house!

9.      Everything is in his mouth constantly... and he is actively teething.  

10.  Owen only whimpered once in my presence which was when the translator (a man) picked him up.

Here is the thing… I gave up on my dream because I was so frustrated.  I put it into God’s hands… I just didn’t have the energy to keep looking for my child.  Many of you know I had committed to two beautiful boys with HIV on Reece’s Rainbow.  Within a few days of paying my large application fee to the agency and being told I would be a wonderful candidate to adopt both boys and they were in the same baby home, etc.  I was told just a day after my fees posted to my bank that I would probably only be able to adopt one boy but they would "try" for both.  I felt duped and very stuck... see application fees for one was $1,500 and for two is $3,000.  After that blow I discovered there was an internal process of waiting in line to be submitted…  only every two weeks was the agency allowed to submit two families and that  I would be submitted in position 6 or 7 which is an additional 6-8 weeks of wasted time.  Talk about disheartened and frustrated… but I trudged on.  I attempted to educate the people around me about the virus and it broke my heart that so many did not trust the research or me.  So, it felt like my life became this battlefield… and I walked on.  Well, I completed my paperwork and sent it in with my check for the next round of fees for BOTH boys in late January only to find out that while in transit to the agency the boy’s region “interrupted”; therefore, travel and court dates would not be issued until the treaty was ratified.  It was speculated to be a month to 6 weeks, but that turned into “possibly May”, and a conversation that said, “We don’t know, maybe not until September.”  I began calculating probabilities.  When would they be home?  Could I swing adoption fees if I didn’t complete the adoption before the end of the year when the Adoption Tax Credit expires? Then there is the vision of the child(ren) that I felt would best suit my family… the boys were 24 months and 21 months when I committed.  Today they are 34 months and 31 months.  So even if I were invited to travel today… they would not be home until long after they both turn  3, maybe even closer to 4 because of how backlogged the region will be.  The question then became how long could I wait.  I said I would give it 5-6 months to reopen. The battle drum beat wore on and wore me out…   During the wait, I felt HIV had become their scarlet letter.  HIV is NOT contagious, that is unless you are completely irresponsible with bodily fluids!  I will be haunted by Danny’s eyes forever… those sad blue eyes and that puffy bottom lip. I will forever think of sweet Valery’s rosebud mouth and chubby cheeks. Giving up was the hardest decision I have ever made.  If you know me, you know that is true… I am stubborn and determined, but I have my reasons for letting go and I believe them to be in their best interests. It hurt and it continues to hurt even after seeing sweet Owen’s face.

Once I decided I would let go, I felt I was grieving their loss and though I had spoke with the agency coordinator about their other regions, I was not ready to jump into another region with the same agency… I told them I needed time.  The next day they offered me a beautiful baby girl in one of their other regions.  To me, she appeared to be a SN child due to psychological issues of the birthmother… because heredity is a huge factor for the diagnosis.  I asked what the special needs fees were and was promptly told this was a “healthy child”.  I stewed on it for a few days and then addressed it and vented my frustrations (mind you this was while I was away from home for work and I was missing Elina and Connor not a good combination).  I was then offered another child… this time a little boy with a hole in his heart that would more than likely need surgery once home.  Again, I asked what the SN fees would be and I was told he was “healthy.”  I was frustrated, aggravated and still grieving the loss of the boys… but to continue being offered referrals of children that on the outside looked beautiful and healthy but were not on the inside, and the agency knew I was hoping for a child with minor correctable SN and the SN fees planning… I have still not addressed this with the agency. 

So, because of my frustrations, I began to give up on my dream of a R*ssia adoption and began to rethink Bulgaria.  Recently I began volunteering to advocate for and to update SN children for Elina’s adoption agency so was familiar with the children with SN.  I fell in love with Bulgaria during Elina’s adoption, but to be honest I felt that the wait would be longer than I could afford because of the tax credit and it would create a gap much larger than I would want between Connor and the child, plus I knew I wanted to enjoy the baby/toddler stage again.  So I kept looking at R*ssia, domestic adoption, adoption of a child thru foster care, I kept opening doors… I decided to consider domestic adoption and actually was quickly chosen by a birth-mom in Alabama.  I felt great, the birth-mom seemed a perfect fit but  after a few weeks of attempting to get a firm fee schedule and nailing things down…  I felt that something wasn’t quite right. I really began to dig and research the facilitator, her reputation was 50/50, people either sang praises or hated her vehemently… it is the later I began to get concerned with… and then I began to witness the behavior traits that people were describing to me.  Constantly pushing about money, rude, greedy…  Honestly, I feared her upfront payment.  So BAM, she decided that she didn’t want to work with me because I had asked her if I could do a payment plan from June-September… so there I was again blowing in the wind…

I was so upset, so I looked began to think about foster to adopt because there are very few costs associated.  However, the baggage that some/most kids carry is phenomenal… for them it isn’t just being an orphan… it is not just about getting enough food, it is severe abuse, neglect, etc… they come with anger, most times traumatized, hurting… I struggled with the decision, but I began inquiring in June about children… from here to Texas to Oregon and Ohio.  I looked for one or two children under the age of 5.  Mind you there is not a central database…  there is no easy way to FIND available children.  Then you send e-mails and wait… and wait… and hope that someone will read it… and even let you know if they considered you.  The shocking thing is that the US adoption system is so hard to find children (I will address in a post later).  After 30 inquiries and very few call backs, I was discouraged…. I emailed my homestudy agency to update them on where I was at with things.  That a social worker or two or three would be contacting them based on my inquiries. 

In mid/late June there was a sibling set in Michigan I found thru MARE and inquired on.  I thought they could be a wonderful fit… she was 6 and he was 4… no baby stage but they were younger and healthy which is so difficult to find in the US.  So a few days after inquiring I let L* (the director of my Homestudy agency) know about the inquiry.  L*’s agency also has a R*ssian program and before finding the boys I had intended to use her agency for my adoption, but then fell in love with the boys and the rest is the history described above.  So I let her know about the inquiry and that she would hopefully be hearing from social workers.  In the meantime I planted a seed that I was open to children with SN and if there was a special child with or without special needs to let me know.

Later L* called me and asked if I would be interested in a baby boy…. He was healthy but it would be blind travel.  Blind travel means no pictures, no medical…  just stand on a ledge and jump… and trust your agency and their team.  I decided it was now or never… that if I did not jump… that I was done.  So I jumped off the ledge on June 29^th and I met the most amazing and wonderful little boy.  I cannot wait to share pictures.  I cannot and will not share until I have picked him up out of his orphanage and he is fully and legally mine.

I am working hard to bring together the funds to bring Owen home.  Because Mr. Owen is not a Special Needs what I estimated to complete this adoption is a little short.  I am working on a puzzle fundraiser and  I will continue it in order to bring Owen home!  Won’t you be a piece of the puzzle?

BTW, I will be having a garage sale and organizing a few more fundraisers… so stay tuned. 

Feeling held... Thanks Cindy!

Thursday, April 05, 2012

Being Held and Holding

I thought that I might not post this week, and take a break for Holy Week, but it seems I need to.  Sometimes I don't really know why, but events happen, and I feel a nudge, so here I am writing when I should be sleeping.

The past couple of weeks has been a period where adoption has re-entered my life in unexpected ways. I've had late night phone calls, emails, and visits with folks who adoption has touched. As time has passed and we move further down the road from our last and final adoption, we have begun to move towards other things.  11 years spent deeply entrenched in the international adoption community, getting fingerprinted and background checked and scrutinized, yearning for a child...waiting for a child...traveling for a child...then building a relationship with a child...well, it is been a pretty exhausting decade and I am ready to shift the focus to the middle and high school years.

I am discovering though, that it may never truly be something we can leave behind.

There are a couple of amazing women who I have been in prayer for, and talking to over the past couple of weeks.  One is adopting a 14 year old boy from Russia, and her circumstances are so similar to ours with the girls.  How I know just what a challenge this is and will be for her! How deeply I respect her commitment, her faith, her wisdom...and her willingness to enter this with her heart open, and her mind sharp.  She is not denying how difficult it will be, she is just willing to do it in spite of it.  That's courage.

Another mom is extraordinary by any standards, she is a Rock Star who is enduring criticism for how they are building their family and how God has decided to time the placement of children in their family.  No matter how thick skinned we try to become, the loneliness of knowing you are being mocked or called plain old "nuts" hurts, and leaves you with very few places to turn.  Friends prove that they may not really be the friends you thought they were, support systems can collapse as others question your judgment, and there are moments when it is really, really hard and you know an unspoken "I told you so..." is just on the tip of someone's tongue.

It seems there is always some comment thrown out that stings, usually from someone with little experience and even less compassion.  Things are said that would most likely never be said to a pregnant mommy.  Comments are thoughtlessly flung:

1)  Why would you want to adopt a kid so old?  Aren't they all totally messed up?
2)  Don't you think you already have your hands full enough?  Why do you need another one?
3)  I could never love a child that wasn't "mine", there are too many things you don't know.
4)  How can you adopt a kid who doesn't look like you?
5)  Was he thrown in the trash?
6)  Why do you all think you have to go overseas when there are plenty of kids here who need homes.
7)  I'd never spend that much money to get a kid.
8)  He'll come home and totally mess up your life, you are making a big mistake.
9)  You'll find yourself in the poor house!
10) Aren't you afraid they'll never really love you?

That's just the tip of the iceberg.  I have been subjected to much worse over the years, and I am sure so have my friends mentioned above.

But then, thankfully, there are those who God sends, the ones who offer a hand, a shoulder, a place to commiserate and practice snappy retorts that you know you'll never use in real life but sure feel good to try out.  My dear friend Jill has been one of those who allows me to fling the obnoxious "I wish I had thought of that then" comment way after the fact.  There are those who we have met in "real life" and others who are virtual companions on the journey. We have Mentor Mommies and real life true blue friends, and they save us.

While we have certainly had our share of naysayers over the course of the past 11 years, we have been "Love Bombed" over and over again in profoundly moving ways.  When I have felt the most vulnerable, there has always been someone there to gently hold me, either virtually or in the flesh.  I shake my head in humble gratitude for those who have supported our every move, and showed it in numerous ways.  Why have we been bathed in so much goodness and love?  I have no idea, none at all.  We are not remarkable, we are not special, in fact we are pretty darned bland and boring by others' standards!  Yet repeatedly, God reaches out through these very, very special folks that weave through our lives.

The world sees the plight of the abandoned child, it is filled with compassion for the heart of the birth mother, but rarely does the world ache for the plight of the adoptive parents who are seen as somehow less important, less in need of support, less a victim.  Believe me, while I am not one who buys into victim-ology, there are times when adoptive parents' souls are completely, utterly broken as they are victim of systems that ignore them, hurt children who understandably lash out, and friends who abandon them.

We adoptive parents are the ones who pick up the pieces for our children and try to Krazy Glue it all back together.  We bear the brunt of the anger and pain of our children.  We suffer from being considered somewhat irrelevant by the world as we foster, love, and cry out for our children...some of whom may never carry our name, but will always cradle our heart in their tiny hands.  We sometimes travel thousands of miles, both literally and figuratively, only to be brushed aside by governments, social workers...and yes, even the wounded child we so desperately want to offer hope to.

As the past couple of days we see Josh suddenly collapsing into insecurity once again as he obsesses over losing our dog, Sunny, and as he experiences mini-meltdowns we are reminded of the ongoing need to be held...and to be the ones holding.  As Kenny struggles continually just to spell simple words like "fraction" and "world" as he did today, or spends 2 hours preparing to be liturgist at church just so he can enunciate clearly or even remember how to read those words that just don't want to "stick", we realize our need to be held...and to hold.  As Angela asked me last week "Mama, do you think my birth mom ever even thinks about me at all?", I am reminded of our need to be held, and to hold.  The healing continues, and sometimes it is damn hard.

But, thankfully, someone always does come along to hold, someone always does come along to extend love in surprising ways that cause tears to spring forth.  This week God reminded us that though it is hard, we are not alone...we were held anonymously and concretely, and it renewed hope on multiple levels.

I try to hold others virtually, and with one of the moms mentioned above I will be able to hold...and laugh...and maybe even cry...in real life next week when I travel to Memphis for work at a homeschool show and God places us in close enough proximity to meet in person at just the right time.  There, for one evening, at least one adoptive mom will not be alone with her concerns and  fears.  She will be be able to be honest and not feel judged, she will be able to feel companionship with someone who has walked her path and made it through, she will hopefully be encouraged and her heart will be considered for just one night.

And someday, no doubt, she'll be the one "holding" someone else.

Thank you, God, for every single person who has helped us along the way, in both big and small ways.  Thank you for the long conversations hashing over the same old concerns, thank you for the encouragement, thank you for the breaks and babysitting, thank you for the financial help without which we wouldn't even have our daughters and would not be able to meet some important needs, thank you for the softened hearts of neighbors who at first voiced how nuts we were and yet even this week had a little Easter surprise for the kids.  Thank you, God, for the moms along the way who helped me feel less alone, who prayed for us, who continue to care.  Thank you for the most extraordinary church family who have helped with everything from magazines to lessons to emailed suggestions to a hand on my shoulder when they didn't even know I needed it.  Thank you for allowing me once in awhile to be the one doing the holding, for the opportunity to occasionally be there for others...for it is far too little in return for what we have received.

And as Dominick and I watched the kids playing on the swings at the park this evening as darkness began to descend, we heard their laughter and spoke quietly of just how wonderful...how amazing...how beautiful each is to us.  Not a single day goes by, and this is not hyperbole, when we don't marvel at all we have been given, and how very, very blessed we are to parent these specific five children.  Sure, it may be in between the exasperation and frustration, but the gratitude remains.

When it gets hard, its still the best.
When it hurts, its still the best.
When I'm stumped, its still the best.
When I feel alone, its still the best.

May every adoptive mom and dad out there have their needs met, may they be held when they hurt, may they find a place where they can be honest and not judged.  And as many parents who have waited a very long time for their children to come home finally have hope, may their dreams finally come true.

171H Approved

My 171H arrived.... we are now officially APPROVED by USCIS and Dossier is COMPLETE!!

Now lets get the show on the road... I guess in the meantime it is time to kick it into gear and work on a few grant applications and some fundraising efforts!